Saturday, March 12, 2011

Living in an Upside Down World

Well, I've been MIA for a while now. Let's see in the last month and a half we packed all of our things and moved into my grandma's house, renters moved into our house 2 days after we moved out, went with Brad to a business convention in Orlando and took the boys to Disney World, found out that my contract for next year may be getting cut as our current governor doesn't seem to hold the profession of Pre K teacher to a high standard, Braden started soccer tots at RYSA, and oh yeah, found out we are having another baby!
Not too shabby for a girl who hates change! Now I didn't say I was happy about all of it, that I didn't cry, didn't stomp my feet and thrown a temper tantrum, but I did it all.
I would love to report that we are all nice and settled into our new digs, but that is SOOOOOO far from the truth. They boys' rooms are unpacked, the kitchen and the playroom, but those are the only rooms that are unpacked. Our dining room table is still flipped upside down in our dining room since a leg was broken during the move, we still have an extra couch in our living room that my great aunt from Mississippi is going to get soon, our garage is filled with extra junk that we either don't know what to do with right now or can't bring in yet, our room is ridiculously messy and my shoe racks are still in the garage because I can't figure out how they are going to fit into my new closet, and the office/sewing/new baby's room was clean until our recent trip to Disney and now all of our luggage has been dumped in it. So what do I do? I close my eyes and try to not think about or deal with it and try to pretend that I don't feel like my little world is crashing in on top of me. I don't cry a lot because I'm not a crier, so I just hold it all in until I blow up or I cry in the car when I am by myself. I have been a bad friend lately and haven't returned calls and I am so sorry, but I just can't seem to find the energy to even talk unless I have to and trust me Braden demands to be talked to! On the upside I will say that my 6/10 of a mile commute to work is pretty darn nice!
So about the new baby....I have been reluctant to write this post because I have been trying to sort out my emotions. First off, Brad and I will love this new baby with all of our hearts just like we love Braden and Parker. And I know that a year from now we will be saying Oh my God, how did we ever live without this amazing little creature! But when I found out I cried- I cried because we have already been through so many changes, I cried because I still had a baby- a 13 month old baby that I just stopped nursing only a month a half earlier. I cried because Brad and I had just talked about waiting 3- 4 years for the next one. I cried because I thought, What the Hell God? Do you find it funny that my life has been a roller coaster for the last 6 months? Do you find it humorous that every kind of stability that Brad and I have worked to build has been pulled out from under us? But I can say that every question that I threw at him was answered and I can look and see how blessed we are that God has provided a fall back to every issue we have faced. I can see His hand in all of this and how He has taken care of us.
So Thursday I was 11 weeks and I swear I already feel this little jellybean moving and I'm not sure if that is even possible- or I have just been having really bad gas bubbles! But I like to think that it is our little surprise and each day I get more and more excited about our littlest child growing inside me. It is really weird because Braden started asking for a new baby, specifically a little sister a few months before we got pregnant. He is still convinced it is a little sister because he says he already has a little brother and doesn't need another one! He might have a hard time if it is another little boy! Parker of course is oblivious to all of the changes, which I am thankful for. I haven't worried about how this new baby is going to affect him as much as I worried about how Parker was going to affect Braden- I guess because I see how much better off Braden is to have Parker to grow up with and love.
So that is where I have been- lost in my own thoughts, lost in house that doesn't quite feel like my home and trying to navigate through this new world that feels so very unfamiliar.


Megan P said...

You'll be just fine! Everything will fall into place and when you feel like its falling about you can always fall on me :) Love you!

Leslie said...

OK. So I had NO idea you were expecting again or I would have said congratulations. I pray this new little one will bless your lives beyond your wildest imaginations. I was checking out Braden's cake. Too cute!