These last few weeks have been pretty hard. I am a big fan of stability. Structure. The constant. It is comfortable. It helps me feel secure. Yes, I am much like a child. But apart from the big change of Brad not having a job, I have been dealing with other changes. Like me running from God. See I have this issue of being in control. So when I lose that control I rebel. I wonder how long it will take me to figure out that I am not in control...You would think I would know by now. So I have been demanding God to do things for me. Find Brad a job. Make sure we can keep our house. Make sure my children don't have to sacrifice anything...or rather I don't have to sacrifice giving to them.
I have been realizing that my approach to God has been one of entitlement. WOW. I have had the nasty attitude that I work hard, why shouldn't I have what I want or do what I want. When did I stop realizing that everything I have has been given to me? A blessing from a Father who loves me, though I don't deserve it. It makes me think of the song- not because of who I am, but because of what You've done, not because of what I've done, but because of who You are. Yes I am blessed. I am still blessed- not because I work hard or have a nice house or a stable income, but because I have a Father who loves me unconditionally even when I act like a spoiled brat. I have a husband who loves his family more than anything and two precious boys who love me purely because I love them...not because I bought them a new toy or new clothes. Just because I take time to tickle the little one and make silly noises or sit in the bathroom and read books while the oldest pottys. They love me because I invest time in a relationship with them. Which is what I have been lacking in my relationship with God...an investment of my time.
Yesterday at church, Chad talked about the story of Jacob and Esau and how Esau gave away his birthright for a bowl of stew. The question was asked what is your stew that you are willing to sell your birthright for? I just kept thinking that I am so cautious with my time. Many times I will neglect to do things that I feel tugging on my heart because I feel like I don't have the extra time for it. When really I am just unwilling to sacrifice my time. I kept thinking wow, I have been so blessed, but have I been a blessing to others, with all that God has given me. I truly feel that I haven't. And if I have I may not have had the best attitude about it. This week we are fasting- sacrificing something to spend time praying and in my case investing time with my Father. I have chosen to fast lunch this week, but also to give up Facebook for the week. I was convicted that I claim to not have time, yet I spend many wasted minutes on facebook or watching the Food Network. Time I could be investing in a relationship with my Heavenly Father...investing in relationships with people.
My goal is to be a better steward of my time and more thankful for what I have been BLESSED with. To draw closer to my Savior and give away my desire for control. To fully rely on him to provide for us and meet our needs. I am sure that it will be a struggle, but I would like to ask for prayer to give up my own selfishness, my own wants and desires and focus on the needs of others, to be a blessing rather than demanding blessings.