Little Miss Sunshine

She is sassy. She is stubborn and strong willed. She is curious and happy. She thinks she is bigger than she really is, stronger than she really is, faster than she really is. She is serious around strangers and silly around family. She has the most beautiful smile and the most serious stare. Her giggle is infectious and makes you do anything to hear another. She gives big open mouth kisses and loves to clap for herself. She is transitioning from a baby to a girl. And it makes me scared. And excited. And anxious. I want to hold her fragile little body in my arms forever. And shield her from hurt and pain. I want to always be the person she runs to when she is scared or hurt or excited. But I watch her grow a little bigger, a little stronger, a little more independent each day. And I pray for her to stay bold and stubborn and curious and sassy and happy always. And I treasure the beautiful smiles and open mouth kisses that she sends my way. And I delight in this amazing blessing from above that is growing into an amazing little girl, but will always be my baby.

 

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Luckiest Mom in the World

Pretty sure that I am the luckiest girl in the world since these three cuties call me Mommy.

I won't lie and say that it is easy all day everyday, but without a doubt it is worth it. Even on the hardest day it is the best job in the world. And I feel beyond blessed that Jesus would let me have these most amazing treasures for this time on earth.

I love you my precious babies.

 

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Braden's 6th Birthday

Six is hard.  It seems much bigger than five.  Five still seems primary.  Preschool.  Even Babies R' Us sells items up to 5t.  But Six.  That is the big boy section at Children's Place.  That is almost first grade.  That is big boy.  Independent boy.  That is the age that makes me realize my precious first born bundle of boy is not a baby anymore.  Tear.  Sigh.

Just don't tell him that.  He swears that he will never leave.  That he will live with us forever.  That firefighters don't get married.  They live at home with their parents.  He swears he will never go to college.  Never get married.  Never have children.  And the selfish, want to keep my boy my baby forever side of me is kind of ok with this idea.  But the logical side of me knows this is not the best for my boy.  And I always want the best for my boy.

So we celebrate another year of growing, another year taller, another year smarter, another year wiser.  Another year to be delighted that I get to be his mommy.  That he made me a mommy. 

I love you Braden Wright.  Happy SIX years!

Christmas 2012 Part 1

Yes, I know it is almost Valentine's Day.  Yes I know it is sad that I just now posting about Christmas.  Sigh.  Christmas was busy this year.  Busy. Busy. Busy.  And I wish I could say that when it was over I wasn't exhausted.  But I was.  I wish I could say that I wasn't thinking we have to simplify Christmas.  But I was.  I wish I wasn't saying things have to change.  But I was.  So we have 10 months left for me to figure out just how to simplify Christmas so that when I wake up on December 26 I feel less overwhelmed and less exhausted. 
Anywho, I did enjoy Christmas.  I enjoyed seeing my kids get so excited.  I enjoyed the time that I got to spend with our family.  I enjoyed celebrating the birth of our Savior.  But that is what I want for next year...More time with what matters most- focusing on why we celebrate and enjoying time.  Time with my husband.  Time with my children.  Time with my family.  Not rushed from one event to the next.  Ok, I am off track again.  Here is what our Christmas looked like.  Unedited.

Brad's grandmother and her husband came to visit the week before Christmas

We made homemade cinnamon ornaments for our tree

 

We wrote letters to Santa

We danced wearing Santa hats

Cookies with Grandma

Put out our Nativity scene

Our tiny elf!

we made fuit loop garland



Our three trees

 

Brad got Parker a spiderman sweat shirt.  Can you tell he is happy?

B got Angry Birds

It is Bumblebee!

Parker loves Spiderman!

Emersyn seems pretty interested too!

My sweet mama

Braden is ready to hunt with Palpaw and Daddy!

My parents had a set of my grandmother's pearls restrung for me for Christmas.

Brad got a Keurig!  He was super surprised!

My sweet dad!

Living in an Upside Down World

Well, I've been MIA for a while now. Let's see in the last month and a half we packed all of our things and moved into my grandma's house, renters moved into our house 2 days after we moved out, went with Brad to a business convention in Orlando and took the boys to Disney World, found out that my contract for next year may be getting cut as our current governor doesn't seem to hold the profession of Pre K teacher to a high standard, Braden started soccer tots at RYSA, and oh yeah, found out we are having another baby!
Not too shabby for a girl who hates change! Now I didn't say I was happy about all of it, that I didn't cry, didn't stomp my feet and thrown a temper tantrum, but I did it all.
I would love to report that we are all nice and settled into our new digs, but that is SOOOOOO far from the truth. They boys' rooms are unpacked, the kitchen and the playroom, but those are the only rooms that are unpacked. Our dining room table is still flipped upside down in our dining room since a leg was broken during the move, we still have an extra couch in our living room that my great aunt from Mississippi is going to get soon, our garage is filled with extra junk that we either don't know what to do with right now or can't bring in yet, our room is ridiculously messy and my shoe racks are still in the garage because I can't figure out how they are going to fit into my new closet, and the office/sewing/new baby's room was clean until our recent trip to Disney and now all of our luggage has been dumped in it. So what do I do? I close my eyes and try to not think about or deal with it and try to pretend that I don't feel like my little world is crashing in on top of me. I don't cry a lot because I'm not a crier, so I just hold it all in until I blow up or I cry in the car when I am by myself. I have been a bad friend lately and haven't returned calls and I am so sorry, but I just can't seem to find the energy to even talk unless I have to and trust me Braden demands to be talked to! On the upside I will say that my 6/10 of a mile commute to work is pretty darn nice!
So about the new baby....I have been reluctant to write this post because I have been trying to sort out my emotions. First off, Brad and I will love this new baby with all of our hearts just like we love Braden and Parker. And I know that a year from now we will be saying Oh my God, how did we ever live without this amazing little creature! But when I found out I cried- I cried because we have already been through so many changes, I cried because I still had a baby- a 13 month old baby that I just stopped nursing only a month a half earlier. I cried because Brad and I had just talked about waiting 3- 4 years for the next one. I cried because I thought, What the Hell God? Do you find it funny that my life has been a roller coaster for the last 6 months? Do you find it humorous that every kind of stability that Brad and I have worked to build has been pulled out from under us? But I can say that every question that I threw at him was answered and I can look and see how blessed we are that God has provided a fall back to every issue we have faced. I can see His hand in all of this and how He has taken care of us.
So Thursday I was 11 weeks and I swear I already feel this little jellybean moving and I'm not sure if that is even possible- or I have just been having really bad gas bubbles! But I like to think that it is our little surprise and each day I get more and more excited about our littlest child growing inside me. It is really weird because Braden started asking for a new baby, specifically a little sister a few months before we got pregnant. He is still convinced it is a little sister because he says he already has a little brother and doesn't need another one! He might have a hard time if it is another little boy! Parker of course is oblivious to all of the changes, which I am thankful for. I haven't worried about how this new baby is going to affect him as much as I worried about how Parker was going to affect Braden- I guess because I see how much better off Braden is to have Parker to grow up with and love.
So that is where I have been- lost in my own thoughts, lost in house that doesn't quite feel like my home and trying to navigate through this new world that feels so very unfamiliar.

Big Changes

I hate change. I really, really do. However, after LOTS of prayer I have decided to stop fighting. We are going to rent our house and move to my grandparents' house. There really are a lot of great things about moving and I am focusing on them. For starters, it is 2 minutes from the school, as opposed to my 35 minute drive now. Not to mention the gas we will be saving in my not so economy beast of a vehicle. We will be close to my parents which will be nice, especially when my dad has his surgery (they are having to reschedule because of the snow/ ice). We will have more bedrooms and the boys will have a larger playroom, though our bedroom, bathroom and closet will be MUCH smaller. We will have an AWESOME backyard with a great back porch and super nice neighbors that I have known since I was a little girl. Our garage will be bigger and it has a large storage closet in the garage, not to mention the storage building in the back yard- no more sharing the garage with the riding lawnmower! The downside is there are 2 staircases and it makes me SUPER nervous! The first thing we are going to do is put up baby gates and hopefully that will make me feel MUCH better. Also the house needs lots of updating- I hate wallpaper and it is in several rooms and all of the bathrooms, but we did lots of updates to our house now, so I know it will just take time.
I am actually getting kind of excited when I'm not overwhelmed with thinking about packing and wondering how I am going to get it all done with my two little munchkins being under my feet all the time. But I know that it will all work out and hopefully once we are all settled in (probably mid- late Feb.) I will finally be able to relax...Well maybe a little! Parker trying to "help" me pack! Braden is hiding under the red blanket in the backround.

Reflections

I still need to post about Christmas and Parker's 12 month stats, but I need to do this post while it is fresh on my mind.
This year has been a whirl wind of emotions, wonderful ups and downs- getting to know this new little being, watching him grow and becoming a family of four- Brad losing his job, questioning our stability, questioning God and my need for control and coming to terms with those issues and seeing that what seemed so hard has only made our little family even stronger because it caused me to reflect on what matters most- not my bank account, not how much we have, but what we do with the time that we have with each other. In the past three months I have seen my boys grow to depend on their dad and need him and that truly makes my heart smile. I cannot tell you how happy it makes me to hear Braden ask Brad to get him juice or a snack or sit in the floor and play a game of Memory with him...not because I don't have to do it :), but because it means that my boys have developed a relationship with their father in which they need him too. And they need him because he has needed them and shown an interest in them and once again my heart is happy. There is absolutely nothing sexier than a man who turns off Sportscenter to sit in the floor and build a train track with his 3 year old son. Can I get an Amen?
So in reflecting upon all of these things I have been thinking about 2011 and what I want to accomplish this year (of course I want to lose 10..actually 40 pounds, but that didn't make the list).

• I want to learn the art of canning and preserving fruits and veggies. I do believe that this is a dying part of our culture. I remember listening to my grandparents talk about sitting in the yard shelling peas and I have been fortunate enough to watch my grandparents and parents do this, but I haven't taken an interest in it myself. I want to learn how to plant a garden and then preserve what I worked so hard to nurture. I think there is something very honest and pure about growing and preserving your own foods. Now I'm not saying that I won't be hitting up Kroger's produce department, but that I would like to learn how to plant and can green beans, pickles and tomatoes. My goal is to start simple- also pear preserves- I remember eating these on biscuits when I was little at my grandma's house and they were as sweet as candy.


• Learn to sew- My parents gave me a sewing machine for Christmas and I chat I really wait to get around to learning to use it. I already have a few projects in mind!


• I want to do a better job at blogging. When Braden was born I scrapbooked and I loved it, actually I still do love it, I just don't get to do it because there is never enough time and I hate dragging everything out and then having to put it up again before I finished a layout. Therefore, Braden has a scrapbook of his first year and Parker has nothing. Poor Park! So I feel like blogging gives me a chance to journal my thoughts and memories for my boys. I just need to do a better job about posting the little things that they do that I don't want to forget...like Braden these past few days Braden has started drawing attention to rhyming words, is making patterns (triangle, square, triangle, square) and added 5+5=10. And Parker has been trying to say "uh-oh", follows Braden from room to room and got himself stuck under the bed yesterday. Small things, but things that I will forget about unless I write them down. I feel like this is my gift to them- Memories of their childhood that may be forgotten otherwise.


• More one on one time with my B-I-B-L-E in solitary reflection and worship with my Savior. And getting back into a small group - which I desperately need, but neglected this year since it was too hard to be away from a nursing infant and yet so hard to take him to bible study with me.

All attainable and very desirable goals if I say so myself!

Thankful

This November I am feeling more thankful than usual. Which is a good thing. I'm not sure if it is our current circumstances or the fact that we have been talking to Braden a lot lately about being thankful and what he is thankful for, or probably a combination of the two. No matter what it is I want to share what I am thankful for so that when I get down and out I can look at and reflect on everything that God has blessed me with. I am goingto try to continue to update this post as I remember or reflect on things that I need to be thankful for.

1. Grace and the fact that it is offered to me though I don't deserve it.


2. My husband who loves me even though I neglect to put my shoes away and leave clumps of hair on the shower wall.


3. Healthy, happy children


4. A very vivacious 3 year old who keeps me laughing


5. Laughter


6. a 10 month old that is into everything, but gives the Best hugs I have ever had


7. messes that were created by my children


8. The best parents in the WHOLE WIDE WORLD


9. My church family


10. Avery- she loves me no matter what and I do love her even when I am mad that she peed on the rug AGAIN


11. my brother and the fact that he doesn't mind listening to my drama- at least he doesn't tell me that he minds


12. Erica- I am going to finally have a sister!


13. Shelter


14. an abundance of food that we take for granted


15. a job that i love, even on days when I have too much to do or out of control kids


16. Children's Place monster sale


17. my large family


18. large family get togethers


19. my Granny


20. heated blankets


21. Christmas songs


22. a feeling of peace that even when my fears of instability creep in, I know I serve a God that will take care of me no matter what


23. A God who is bigger than my dreams, hopes, ideas, or thoughts.

Colossians 3:15-17And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.

Sacrifice

These last few weeks have been pretty hard. I am a big fan of stability. Structure. The constant. It is comfortable. It helps me feel secure. Yes, I am much like a child. But apart from the big change of Brad not having a job, I have been dealing with other changes. Like me running from God. See I have this issue of being in control. So when I lose that control I rebel. I wonder how long it will take me to figure out that I am not in control...You would think I would know by now. So I have been demanding God to do things for me. Find Brad a job. Make sure we can keep our house. Make sure my children don't have to sacrifice anything...or rather I don't have to sacrifice giving to them.
I have been realizing that my approach to God has been one of entitlement. WOW. I have had the nasty attitude that I work hard, why shouldn't I have what I want or do what I want. When did I stop realizing that everything I have has been given to me? A blessing from a Father who loves me, though I don't deserve it. It makes me think of the song- not because of who I am, but because of what You've done, not because of what I've done, but because of who You are. Yes I am blessed. I am still blessed- not because I work hard or have a nice house or a stable income, but because I have a Father who loves me unconditionally even when I act like a spoiled brat. I have a husband who loves his family more than anything and two precious boys who love me purely because I love them...not because I bought them a new toy or new clothes. Just because I take time to tickle the little one and make silly noises or sit in the bathroom and read books while the oldest pottys. They love me because I invest time in a relationship with them. Which is what I have been lacking in my relationship with God...an investment of my time.
Yesterday at church, Chad talked about the story of Jacob and Esau and how Esau gave away his birthright for a bowl of stew. The question was asked what is your stew that you are willing to sell your birthright for? I just kept thinking that I am so cautious with my time. Many times I will neglect to do things that I feel tugging on my heart because I feel like I don't have the extra time for it. When really I am just unwilling to sacrifice my time. I kept thinking wow, I have been so blessed, but have I been a blessing to others, with all that God has given me. I truly feel that I haven't. And if I have I may not have had the best attitude about it. This week we are fasting- sacrificing something to spend time praying and in my case investing time with my Father. I have chosen to fast lunch this week, but also to give up Facebook for the week. I was convicted that I claim to not have time, yet I spend many wasted minutes on facebook or watching the Food Network. Time I could be investing in a relationship with my Heavenly Father...investing in relationships with people.
My goal is to be a better steward of my time and more thankful for what I have been BLESSED with. To draw closer to my Savior and give away my desire for control. To fully rely on him to provide for us and meet our needs. I am sure that it will be a struggle, but I would like to ask for prayer to give up my own selfishness, my own wants and desires and focus on the needs of others, to be a blessing rather than demanding blessings.

2 Timothy 1:7

Yesterday was one of the scariest days Brad and I have ever had. Brad left work early to go to the doctor with me. My appointment had gotten cancelled the day before and rescheduled for yesterday at 1:30 so I was very anxious to get to my appointment. It was the big day when we were going to get to hear our precious new baby's heartbeat. The sound that I had been praying for and longing to hear for the past 5 weeks.

Dr. Kassam came in and met Brad and then told me that all of my blood work looks great and you know the rest of the drill. It was finally time to hear the heartbeat. Dr. Kassam tried for several minutes to locate the heartbeat all the while telling me that everything sounds great and it is still early to hear the heartbeat. He asked his nurse to go get a different sonogram machine and he continued trying to find the heartbeat for several minutes while trying to reassure Brad and me that it is still very early and everything is just fine. I was trying to remain calm and composed and screaming out in my head and heart to God to just let me me hear a heartbeat. Please Lord let me hear my baby's heartbeat. Brad looked concerned and started rubbing my arm. I think he could sense my panic. My biggest fear seemed to be coming true. Dr. Kassam must have sensed my fear because he asked if I would like an early ultrasound to check on everything and I said PLEASE!

While we were waiting for an appointment to be scheduled at RMC in the outpatient center I tried to not let the tears start rolling but they did. Molly, who works in the front office kept telling me that everything would be ok, but all I wanted was to get out of there so I could have my breakdown. When we got in the car the tears just started falling like crazy and Brad said it would be ok. Then he asked me how early we heard Braden's heartbeat and when I said 8 weeks he broke down also knowing that I was at 10 1/2 weeks already.

We had an hour to spare before our ultrasound appointment so we sat in the car and prayed for our baby and for peace if we were going to lose our baby. We didn't want to call and upset our parents so I called Lori to ask her to pray for us and some of the girls from our church were over for a play date and they started praying for us. I kept remembering what one of the ladies in my bible study class Wed. night had said while 4 of us pregnant ladies were discussing our fears and worries. She quoted 2 Timothy 1:7 which is a verse I'm sure all of us are familiar with: For God did not give me a spirit of fear, but of power, love and self-control. I kept repeating this over and over in my head while we were waiting for the ultrasound and I felt a spirit of peace come over me.

When we went back for the ultrasound we finally saw our baby with a BEATING heart! Thank you Jesus! Brad saw it right away and said there is the heart and then tears started rolling down his cheeks again. Do you see why I love my husband?

Thank you Lord for our new precious baby. Thank you for a heart that beats.

Baby Hoffman

Amazed

For You created my inmost being,

you knit me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

your works are wonderful,

I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you

when I was made in the secret place.

When I was woven together in the depths on the earth,

your eyes saw my unformed body.

All the days ordained for me

were written in your book

before one of them came to be.

Psalm 139:13-16

I am amazed by God and the job that he has given me. It is a huge job. Much bigger than I ever expected it to be. Somedays I am overwhelmed with my job. It is the type of job that can make the most confident person doubt their abilities. Most days I question if I am doing a good job....if I am doing enough...if I am doing it right. But everyday I am rewarded. And thankful. I am so happy to be a mom. And I have to admit that today is the first day that I have thought of myself as a mom of 2!

If you know me well then you probably know that our newest blessing was quite the surprise. I am a control freak which I openly admit and MY plan was not to get pregnant until July or August which would give us a nice due date somewhere in April or May. However, I have been very humbled by our little December addition. Each time that I found out I was expecting I have been overcome with excitement, fear, worry. This time my worry has not just been about me or this unborn child that I am carrying, but also about Braden and how this child will come along and completely rock his very solid little world. Is this fair to him? And then I know the answer because I can't imagine a world without my little brother and I know that I am far more blessed to have shared these last 24 years with him then I was the 3 before he arrived.

I am amazed when I think of this baby that is really just a mass of cells growing in to a beautiful baby and then I look at my amazing 2 year old and I realize how amazing creation truly is. How awesome is our God that he can take nothing and create this person with likes and dislikes, opinions, features that may or may not look like me. WOW!

I am amazed this Mother's Day with my two fabulous blessings. One that I know very well, who is opinionated, stubborn, strong willed, loving, loud, sweet, and very persistent. One that has ticklish feet like his daddy and sings just like his mommy (bless his heart). One that is curious and loves to explore, especially ant beds. One who loves aggravating the dog and playing outside. One who asks a million and one questions even if he doesn't want the answer. One who melts my heart when he says "I love you, Momma." And one whom I have never met. One whom I don't even know the gender yet. One who was a surprise and may surprise me again if it decides to come on Christmas (please no!). One whom I am eager to hear the heartbeat, feel the kicks, and meet. One whom I love already though we have never met.

Thank you Father for my blessings and for giving me a love for both of my babies and an acceptance of your perfect timing and will that are so very different from my own. I pray that I can be a mother who teaches my children about your gracious love and a mother who leads by your example and calls on your wisdom during the times when I am at a loss. Thank you for giving me a day to celebrate how special and important being a mom truly is.

Things I Wish I Knew Before I Became a Mom...

I usually don't watch Oprah, but I was at my parent's house on Monday and my mom and I were watching it together. It was all about being a mom and a lot of it was about things you didn't before you were a mom....you know those things that people never tell you and you just kind of have to learn them on your own, but then you realize that most moms are dealing with the same things they just don't ever talk about them. So here goes....things I never knew before I was a mom and things that I struggle with about being a mom.

• Listening to the radio will never be the same. I have not listened to the "regular" stations for any lengthy amount of time since Braden was about 6 months old. All that I have listened to are nursery rhyme CDs and kids songs. I miss the radio!


• Breast feeding is hard.....all that you hear are the benefits of breast feeding and there are many, however it is not for everyone and you shouldn't beat yourself up if you can't or choose not to do it.


• Your life is not your own anymore. This is not a bad thing it just takes some getting used to. Everyday all day there is another little life that depends on you and this begins from the minute you conceive. This precious gift sucks everything out of you- your energy, your body, even some of your hobbies because you just don't have the time for them anymore


• I can't watch the news without freaking out when I hear about a child that drowned at the babysitter's house or escaped from their daycare and got ran over by a car. It hits me so hard that I just have to stop and pray for that mother because I cannot imagine a worse pain than losing your child.


• You realize that parenting is THE hardest job on earth and you think twice before you judge the mom with the screaming kid at the grocery store. You realize that she is doing the best that she can.


• I loved Braden before I even conceived him. I prayed for my child before I even became pregnant, but when they laid him on my chest after I gave birth he was a stranger in many ways. I carried him for 40 weeks, I had seen pictures of him in my belly, I felt his movements and I counted the many days until his arrival, but I didn't KNOW him. It is ok to feel this way, in fact I bet that if more people were honest they would admit to feeling the same way. It takes time to learn about this new little person, what they like and dislike and what makes them tick and just because you don't feel an immediate knock your socks off connection with your child does not mean that you don't love them more than anything in this world. It takes time to bond.


• I truly believe that I suffered from a mild case of post pardom after Braden was born. At the time I didn't realize it,but looking back I can see the train wreck that I was. I have never been an overly emotional person. I don't cry over just anything, but I spent the first 3 weeks after Braden was born crying. I like to have control and for the first time in my life I felt like I had absolutely no control over anything. He didn't sleep when I needed sleep, he cried and fussed and was hungry when it wasn't his scheduled time to eat. I had small panic attacks whenever 6pm rolled around because it meant that night was coming and I didn't know what the night was going to hold: was i going to be able to sleep, was he going to scream and cry all night? When Brad went back to work my mom would come and stay with me for part of the day and I would pace the floor until she arrived and cry when she left. I would count down the hours until Brad got home. I just needed someone to be with me. When Braden would wake up in the middle of the night, after I would nurse him and rock him to sleep, I would cry because I felt so unworthy of the incredible gift that God had given me. After the first 3 weeks I felt much better and like I had somewhat of a grasp on life with a newborn.


• The days of sleeping in on a Saturday morning are gone. If we get to sleep until 7:30 am it feels like the best thing in the world.


• It will be LONG time before you can enjoy a dinner out at a restaurant with your child. Just in the past 3 or 4 months have we been able to take Braden to a nice sit down, order a salad and entree restaurant and been able to enjoy the WHOLE meal. It is wonderful! But just get used to take out for a while if you actually want to enjoy your meal.


• I L-O-V-E my job. I enjoy going to work. I truly do. However, each morning that I drop Braden off at my parent's house I feel a twinge of guilt for leaving him. I'm sure that all working mothers do and I am certain that if my parents didn't watch him I could NOT leave him.


• Forget about stopping on the way home to grab a loaf of bread. Or pick up a prescription. Or grab dinner from a restaurant that isn't drive through. UNLESS you plan on getting a sleeping child, or a 30 pound carrier or a 30 pound child from the car. All of the simple errands aren't quite so simple any more.

I am thankful to the women who have talked to me honestly about their struggles with being a mom. I have written this in the hopes that someone who is a new mom or is thinking about becoming a mom will know that whatever struggles you are going through or have encountered you are not alone. I promise you that somewhere at least one other mom has been through the same thing. And we are NOT perfect. Being a mom is A LOT of trial and error. It is ok to mess up. Your child will still love you and admitting your fears, worries, and mistakes can only help you to become a better mom.